Typical teen behavior can be a huge surprise for parents. The individuation process during adolescent development can cause kids to act in new and different ways. At times parenting teenagers can feel like parenting strangers. This sudden change in attitude can make parents wonder, “Is this normal?”
Adolescent Development Task: "Who Am I?"
According to Erikson’s stages of social-emotional development, teens are looking for answers to the question, “Who am I?” As part of answering this question, some teens may show considerable interest in psychology or religion. Other teens may explore answers through the use of drugs. Cultural expectations from family and peers as well as parenting style can influence teen behavior while answering questions about identity.
Rejecting Parental Values – Is This Normal?
In answering the question, “Who am I?”, a teen must state to the world that he or she is a person separate from his or her parent(s). “’Distancing’ from the grown ups is the name of their dance,” writes Chip Wood in Yardsticks: Children in the Classroom Ages 4-14 (Northeast Foundation for Children, 1997). Denying strong parental values is a sure fire way to demonstrate independence. Although hurtful to many parents, it is normal adolescent development for teens to reject parental values.
Teen Behavior That Rejects Parental Values
Rejecting parental values can come in many forms. Teens might argue that their bedroom is “theirs” and should not have to be cleaned according to parent standards. Teens may constantly give indications that parents are extremely lame and un-cool. Teens may argue with curfew limits to protest the idea that someone else is in charge of a teen’s time schedule.
Parenting teenagers through healthy individuation involves dealing with some challenges to parental authority. Understanding the reason teens reject a parent’s values can lessen the stress of parenting teenagers. According to author Chip Wood, the typical teen behavior of challenging authority peaks at age fifteen.
Increased Privacy and Secrecy – Is This Normal?
Part of individuation and becoming one’s own person does involve keeping some secrets from parents. A greater need for privacy is a normal part of adolescent development. All secrets aren’t kept private because parents would disapprove. Some secrecy involves a fear of embarrassment. For example, teenagers may not want to tell parents about a crush or attraction a teen may have for someone. Other secrets may simply be about individuation – “I don’t have to tell you everything. I’m my own person.”
Adolescent Development: Is This Normal Individuation or Rebellion?
While healthy teens answer the question, “Who am I?”, parents continue to wonder and ask the question, “Is this normal?” The book, Positive Discipline for Teenagers (Three Rivers Press, 2000) offers tips on parenting teenagers including a list of how some parents make teen behavior worse by “fanning the flames of rebellion”.
“Although most parents worry when their teenagers rebel, it would be more appropriate to worry if they didn’t,” write authors Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott in Positive Discipline for Teenagers. The authors explain that the process of individuation, exploring and deciding on their own values, is preparation for being an independent adult. Nelsen and Lott caution parents that “Individuation usually looks like rebellion to parents”.
Parenting Teenagers Through Individuation
It can be helpful if teens are allowed to reject some parental values in ways that don’t compromise health or safety. It’s extremely beneficial if parents learn about typical teen behavior and adolescent development. The authors of Positive Discipline for Teenagers offer the following advice while parenting teens: “Keep in mind that the types of teenager rebellion are usually temporary (one to five years). However, if you do not understand that rebellion is part of adolescence and you instead make it an issue, the rebellion may extend into adulthood.”
Typical, healthy adolescent development does include a rejection of parental values and an increased need for privacy and secrecy. When parenting teenagers, parents will often wonder about a specific teen behavior, “Is this normal?” If parents aren’t sure if a teen behavior is normal individuation or out of control rebellion, they should seek the help of a trained professional.
Kelly Pfeiffer - Kelly Pfeiffer teaches Positive Discipline workshops to parents and trains child care providers on various child development topics.
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