Parents can make teen drama worse or can plan ahead to respond with parenting techniques that teach teens life skills such as self-calming techniques and taking a positive time out break. The book Positive Discipline for Teens (Three Rivers Press, 2000) and the Positive Discipline Tool Cards offer help for parents.
Stay Calm – Do Not Engage in Teen Drama
Teenagers use drama for several different reasons. One reason is that teen drama achieves a desired reaction from the parent. When parents respond to teen drama with parental drama, they add fuel to the fire, escalate the tension and model the exact behavior they do not want to see from teens.
Although many parents want to win and focus on being “right,” parents lose in the long run when they join in with a dramatic attitude or actions. “If you are feeling defensive, ask yourself, ‘What are my long-term goals? – to control behavior or to teach life skills?’” write the authors of Positive Discipline for Teenagers, Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott.
State Limits in Positive Discipline Strategy
One of the fifty-two Positive Discipline Tool Cards tells parents to “Decide what you will do, not what the child will do.” In dealing with teen drama, it is usually much easier for parents to decide on their own actions rather than trying to control the behavior of a teenager.
Once parents decide what they will do, they can state a limit. Examples of stated limits about what the parent will do are:
- “I will listen to your concerns after you’ve calmed down.”
- “I’m willing to listen when you are calm and respectful.”
- “I’m going to go calm down and we can talk later when we both are not upset.”
Parenting Techniques to Walk Away Calmly
After stating limits, the next step is to calmly walk away. Staying in the same space together makes it hard for both parent and teen to calm down and not engage in more drama.
A parent’s first reaction is often for the teen to go away – “Go to your room!”, “Get away from me!”, but those strategies engage teens into more drama. It’s more effective for a parent to decide what he or she will do and leave the room with as calm a demeanor as possible.
Positive Time Out for Parents and Teens
Another one of the Positive Discipline Tool Cards is “Positive Time Out.” “Positive Time Out” is different from traditional time out and means that a parent and child both take a break and use self-calming skills to regroup their emotions before discussing solutions.
Teenagers can develop self-calming skills when parents give teens an opportunity to calm down using a positive time out. But when parenting techniques either demand that teen drama stop immediately or when parents give in to teen drama pleas, teens don’t get the opportunity to practice and learn self-calming skills. It may take a while for teens to develop self-calming skills if they haven’t had the practice before.
It can be especially challenging for parents to use effective parenting techniques during moments of intense teen drama. Positive Discipline strategies such as "deciding what you will do", stating limits and positive time out can teach self-calming skills to teens and demonstrate that drama won't engage a parent, induce parental guilt or nudge parents to give in.
Related Articles about Teen Drama
A Closer Look at Teen Drama: Reasons for a Teenage Temper Tantrum - parent manipulation and lack of self-calming skills are only two of the five reasons discussed in this article about teen drama.
Kelly Pfeiffer - Kelly Pfeiffer teaches Positive Discipline workshops to parents and trains child care providers on various child development topics.
