When preschool aged children argue or have disagreements with other children, they often use the only tool they know – hitting. In an attempt to stop the hitting and encourage peaceful conflict skills, many adults tell children to “use their words”.
But for most children, hearing “use your words” doesn’t make a difference. Many children continue to use their hands to solve conflicts instead of expressing their feelings with words.
Why “Use Your Words” Doesn’t Help Preschoolers
Adults have the right idea when they try to redirect preschool aged children to stop hitting and “use their words”. But in the midst of a conflict, children are not able to think of what words to use.
First of all, preschoolers have very little experience solving conflicts by themselves so they aren’t sure what types of words and phrases might work in a given situation.
Also when children get extremely stressed during conflicts, stress hormones are released in the brain and the problem solving areas of their brain don’t work as well as when children are relaxed. Often preschoolers would like to “use their words” but are unable to think of the right words to say.
Teaching Young Children Which Words to Use
Instead of giving preschoolers an abstract suggestion about “using words”, adults can better teach young children by telling children the exact words that might solve the conflict in a peaceful way.
If a child is hitting because another child took a toy away from the child, adults can tell the child, “Say, ‘I don’t like it when you grab my toy. I want it back.” If a child is hitting because he wants a turn riding on a toy car, adults can tell him, “If you want to ride on the car, say, ‘Can I ride that car when you’re finished?'”
Helping Preschoolers Practice Using their Words
Because children are inexperienced at solving conflicts, they may feel uncomfortable or unsure about asserting themselves with other children. Adults can help preschoolers practice saying the words to an adult before attempting to say the words to another child.
If a child grabs a glue stick from another child, adults can say, “If you want to use the glue stick, say, ‘Can I use the glue stick when you’re finished?’ Now say that back to me – ‘Can I use the glue stick when you’re finished?’”
After a child has practiced using the words with an adult, children can immediately try to say the same words to another child. It’s best for adults to supervise preschoolers as they try out their new skills. Also adults need to monitor the situation so that children experience success by using their words.
In order to teach young children to stop hitting, adults must be specific about what they want children to do or say instead. If adults want to help preschoolers learn to solve conflicts peacefully by using their words, then adults have to model the exact words for children to use as well as give children opportunities to practice using the words.
Kelly Pfeiffer - Kelly Pfeiffer teaches Positive Discipline workshops to parents and trains child care providers on various child development topics.
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