Most popular punishments for teens don’t hold children accountable and don’t teach responsibility. Parents keep punishing teens and wonder why teens keep making the same mistakes. The word discipline comes from the Latin root discere, which means to learn, and from the Latin word disciplus, which means pupil. Discipline and punishment do not mean the same thing.
Common punishments do not usually teach responsibility because the punishments don’t involve learning and instead are an attempt to motivate teens to change through fear of further punishments. Teens are more likely to change when they learn proactive skills that teach responsibility.
Why Punishing Teens Doesn’t Hold Children Accountable
Popular punishments for teens such as grounding and losing privileges don’t hold children accountable at all. Typical punishments put teens in a passive role instead of an active role. Teenagers don’t have to be accountable if they are sitting at home being grounded or not using their phone if phone privileges were removed.
Another way to phrase the word “responsibility” is “the ability to respond”. Teens aren’t really taking responsibility for their actions when they simply don’t get to enjoy activities that are in fact privileges in the first place.
Sean Covey discusses taking "response-ability" in "Habit #1: Be Proactive" of his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens [Fireside, 1998]. Teen discipline must include opportunities for teens to learn and practice skills. If parents want to teach responsibility to teens, parents must help teens develop the “ability to respond” to the actual problem.
The Difference Between Punishing Teens and Having Teens Make Restitution
Punishment is like jail. Making restitution is like community service. Punishing teens requires that teens simply endure the time. Making restitution requires that teens take a proactive role and pay back for their mistake or misbehavior. Punishment may make parents feel better but it doesn’t hold children accountable for their actions.
Parents may want to ask themselves the following questions when exploring ways to discipline teens:
- What responsibility skills is my teen learning by having to do without a privilege?
- What responsibility skills is my teen learning by spending time and energy to make restitution?
Learning new skills requires active practice. Teens will learn more about responsibility by actually "practicing responsibility" through making restitution.
Making Restitution Reasonable and Respectful
Restitution actions work best to teach responsibility when they are reasonable and respectful. Many parents like the idea of having teens make restitution instead of punishing teens but at first go overboard. Parents often choose exaggerated restitution actions thinking that teens will learn more with more restitution. Extreme restitution often backfires either with extreme resentment on the teen’s part or with a parent not holding a child accountable to complete the entire restitution.
Especially at first, parents should take time to think through restitution actions to decide if they are reasonable and respectful. Also parents will want to consider how much the restitution requires the parent’s time and energy. Parents can use the following tips and questions to consider when teaching responsibility through restitution actions:
- Have I calmed down enough to think about the situation rationally?
- Will my teen either practice a skill or learn basic cause and effect?
- Is my teen actually making restitution or is this action just something silly that doesn’t contribute to any solution or cause?
- Am I focusing on making my teen suffer (punishment) or on helping my teen restore the situation (discipline)?
- Does this restitution action affect me or other people too much?
Discussing Making Restitution with Teens
Parents often decide on a restitution that is reasonable and respectful, but then deliver the news to their teen with blame and shame. Because teenagers will soon be functioning in the adult world, parents can set a great example by talking to teens respectfully just as a police officer talks respectfully to a driver when writing a speeding ticket.
Teens can also take part in deciding how they can make restitution. Parents often forget the “teen” part of teen discipline. At first, teens will not have great ideas for making restitution because they have not had the practice. Also teens are not great at “thinking on the spot”. Parents can ask a teen to think on the matter and write down a few ideas to bring to a later discussion about taking responsibility for their actions.
Teaching responsibility requires that teens “respond” in some way. Parents can help teens respond by making agreements for teens to make restitution. A companion article to this one, Examples of Teenagers Taking Responsibility and Being Accountable can give parents starter ideas and strategies for problem solving with teens about making amends.
References:
Nelsen, Jane, Positive Discipline: Ballentine Books, 2006
Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott. Positive Discipline for Teenagers. Three Rivers Press, 2000.
Kelly Pfeiffer - Kelly Pfeiffer teaches Positive Discipline workshops to parents and trains child care providers on various child development topics.
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