Even when parents do their best to prepare a soon-to-be big brother or big sister for the arrival of a new baby, children have no idea what it will really be like when the baby actually joins the family. After children watch their parents dote on a younger sibling, children often experience emotions that they’ve never had before including feelings of extreme jealousy. Parents can help older siblings understand new jealous feelings by using a simple way of talking to children – validating feelings.
Jealousy About a New Baby is Normal
Some parents have a hard time understanding why big brothers and sisters are jealous of a new baby. If parents love their cuddly baby so much, why isn’t everyone else happy about a new edition to the family? Jealousy is a common and normal emotion. Validating feelings, also called “mirroring feelings” can help a child know that his emotions are normal and that his parents understand those emotions.
Big Brothers and Big Sisters Need Reassurance
Parents know that they love their older children just as much as they did before the baby arrives. But children often form a different idea based on what they see.
In Positive Discipline [Ballentine Books, 2006], Jane Nelsen writes, “Rudolph Dreikurs explained, ‘Children are good perceivers but poor interpreters. When the mother of two-year-old Adele comes home from the hospital with a new baby brother, Adele perceives how much attention Mother gives the baby. Unfortunately, Adele interprets this to mean that Mother loves the baby more than her.”
How Validating Feelings Helps While Talking to Children
Parents often think their job is to convince an older child not to be jealous about the new baby. When parents talk to a child about a new sibling, many say things such as “don’t be jealous, this is your new sibling“ or “we all love this baby”.
However, simply giving children “information” doesn’t help children stop feeling jealous. What helps children learn about the emotion of jealousy is “understanding”. Validating a child’s feelings lets children know that someone else understands their feelings and also helps a child understand and label his or her own feelings.
To validate or “mirror” a child’s feelings, parents do not have to agree with a child’s emotions. Validating feelings doesn’t mean, “I feel that way too” or “I agree with you”. Instead it communicates, “I know that you feel that way” and “it’s understandable to feel that way”.
How to Validate Feelings for Big Brothers and Big Sisters
Validating feelings can take many forms. In order to learn the basics of mirroring feelings, many parents find it helpful to start with a simple formula: “You feel ______ about ______.”
Examples:
- You feel hurt about how much time I spend taking care of your little sister.
- You feel sad that I have to feed the baby right now and I can’t play a game with you.
- You feel jealous about me holding the baby so much.
After parents learn the basics of mirroring feelings, they can use different words and phrases to validate a child’s feelings.
More Examples:
- It’s hard to watch me hold the baby so much, isn’t is?
- You wish I had time to play with you right now, don’t you?
- Seems like you’re sad that I give the baby a lot of attention.
Children often experience feelings of jealousy about welcoming a new sibling into the family. Validating feelings is a simple tool parents can use when they talk to children about their new role as a big brother or big sister. When parents mirror a child’s emotions, the child learns to label feelings as well as gain understanding about why he feels jealous about a new baby in the house.
Kelly Pfeiffer - Kelly Pfeiffer teaches Positive Discipline workshops to parents and trains child care providers on various child development topics.
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