A popular public service announcement on television once asked parents the question, “Do you know where your kids are?” The authors of Positive Discipline for Teenagers (Three Rivers Press, 2000) stress that as well as knowing “where” kids are, parents should know “who” their kids are. According to the book authors, Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott, spending one on one time that improves the parent-child relationship can have a profoundly positive effect on teen behavior.
Prioritizing the Parent-Child Relationship
In the developmental stage of individuation, teens are naturally pulling away from parents and valuing time with peers. The busy lives of both parents and teens can be a challenge for spending quality time together. Parents of teens must make extra efforts to stay connected with teenagers.
Although it may be tough to schedule one on one time for a parent and teenagers, the benefits can be amazing for both parents and teens and often change teen behavior for the better. “Short periods (even minutes) of quality time a day, a week or even a month can do wonders to improve your relationships with your teens,” write Nelsen and Lott in Positive Discipline for Teenagers.
Positive Discipline Tips to Make Quality Time Count
A parent’s attitude and actions while spending quality time together are important factors in improving teen behavior. Teens are more likely to want to stay connected with parents who put nagging and harping aside at times. “Imagine the effect on your teenager of receiving five minutes a day with you without hearing your lectures, your judgments, or your disappointments,” write Nelsen and Lott in Chapter 9 of Positive Discipline for Teenagers, “How Do You Spend Time That Counts?”
The authors offer a list of suggestions to improves the parent child relationship when spending quality time together. Parents are advised to keep their mouth shut, use their sense of humor and focus on understanding their teen's world. The general idea is that parents learn to listen to teens, have fun with the kids and not expect anything (such as immediate openness, excessive gratitude or an instant behavior improvement) from them while spending one on one time together.
Outside of quality time, the authors strongly recommend that parents train and expect teens to contribute to household cleaning, do laundry, complete family chore charts, etc. Teaching life skills is as important as spending one on one time. But parents can improve the parent-child relationship and work to stay connected to teens by making sure there are times in each day when parents focus on getting to know a teenager.
Scheduling One on One Time With Teens
In order to stay connected on a routine basis, it’s helpful for a parent and teen to schedule a weekly time for spending 30 to 60 minutes of time together. A parent and teen can visit a coffee shop, go for a walk, play a game together, take a class together, etc. The ideas for bonding through the parent-child relationship are endless. If a parent and teen have a tough time deciding on activities they both enjoy doing, the parent can choose an activity one week and the teen can choose an activity the next week.
One on One Time Also Prevents Teen Behavior Problems
Spending quality time can improve teen behavior issues and can also prevent them. Most all of the Positive Discipline books recommend spending one on one time with children and teens on a routine basis as a tool to stay connected with kids and to prevent behavior issues.
Sometimes strained during the teen years, the parent-child relationship can be strengthened through consistent one on one time. Spending quality time together addresses some of the beliefs behind teenage behavior problems. One on one time helps parents and teens stay connected and can even be an effective tool for improving teen behavior problems. Positive Discipline for Teenagers authors Nelsen and Lott recommend to parents, “You might be surprised at how many conflicts are resolved when you focus on spending quality time instead of spending time on the problem.”
Related Articles on Quality Time with Teens:
Being a Good Listener While Parenting Teens
Quality Time with Teenage Daughters
Kelly Pfeiffer - Kelly Pfeiffer teaches Positive Discipline workshops to parents and trains child care providers on various child development topics.
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