“Self-esteem can’t be given or received … ,” writes Jane Nelsen in Positive Discipline (Ballentine Books 2006), “… it is developed through a sense of capability and the self-confidence gained from dealing with disappointments, solving problems, and having lots of opportunities to learn from mistakes.”
Parenting teens in a way that will boost self-esteem requires more than speaking encouraging words. Parents must foster an environment for teenagers to learn important life skills, and at the same time focus on spending quality time with teens to foster the parent child relationship. The affirming actions below will help teenagers build confidence in their capabilities.
Teach Life Skills to Teenagers
Learning new life skills is a confidence booster to kids of any age and opportunities to teach life skills to teenagers are easy to find. Most all teens are capable of doing their own laundry, scrubbing the bathroom, helping cook dinner, cleaning up the kitchen and maintaining the family car. Teens also need to know how to maintain a car, open a bank account and shop for groceries. Parenting teens involves big steps in letting go on the parent’s part and promoting independence for teenagers.
Although learning life skills can do wonders to build confidence, parents of teenagers know that most teens won’t be excited about taking on more responsibilities around the house. Parents should remember that pampering teenagers only lowers self-esteem. In Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self Indulgent World (Three Rivers Press, 2000), authors Jane Nelsen and Stephen Glenn write that teens who feel extremely capable have a lower risk of depression, suicide and unplanned pregnancy.
Avoid Being a Helicopter Parent and Over-Indulging
A helicopter parent rescue kids from all types of uncomfortable situations. These parents may over help a teen with homework assignments or make sure that a teenager has the latest trendy clothes, car and electronic gadgets. A helicopter parent doesn’t want a teen to suffer any physical or emotional pain, so this parent pampers a child to the extreme.
Being a helicopter parent actually shelters teens from opportunities that build confidence. Many parents mistakenly believe that they are helping a teen feel better about himself or herself when they make sure that teens have all the “right” things (in the eyes of a teen’s peers). But true self-esteem isn’t nurtured when parents give teens a life of luxury and relaxation.
A 2007 study published in the Journal of Consumer Research showed a link between materialism and low self-esteem. The research on adolescents revealed that low self-esteem increases materialism in teens and raising self-esteem lowers an interest in materialism (University of Chicago Press Journals, 2007, November 16).
The Importance of Quality Time in Parenting Teens
Although most teens seem focused on their peers, the parent-child relationship is still extremely important to teenagers. Parents can boost self-esteem by spending a chunk of quality time with a teenager on a weekly basis as well as sitting down to family dinners together as much as possible.
Use Encouraging Words to Build Confidence
Encouraging words express a parent’s belief in their child to succeed, a message that is of key importance in the parent child relationship. In Positive Discipline, Jane Nelsen explains how encouragement is different from praise. Praise expresses approval from another while encouraging words ask a child to self-evaluate.
Many children are raised to please others rather than to look inside themselves and determine if achieving a goal feels good to them. Of course, teenagers want their parents to be proud of them, but approval from others is “other-esteem” instead of self-esteem. Developing self-esteem requires that teenagers learn to determine whether they are aiming for a goal to please others or because it creates a sense of accomplishment within.
An example of a praise statement in Positive Discipline is “I’m proud of you for getting an A.” An example of a statement of encouraging words is “That A reflects your hard work. How do you feel about it?”
Parenting teens that feel good about themselves is no simple task. It takes constant diligence and attention. Parents can build confidence in teens by first deepening the parent child relationship through spending quality time with teenagers. Next, parents can learn how to use encouraging words as opposed to using only praise. Lastly, parents must teach important life skills to teenagers and give teen opportunities to use those skills on a daily basis.
Kelly Pfeiffer - Kelly Pfeiffer teaches Positive Discipline workshops to parents and trains child care providers on various child development topics.
